Monthly Archives: August 2012

Wine may be fine…

…but liquor is quicker.

Today was one of those days that could only end up one way if I was going to remain sane, with a long bath and alcohol.  It was a day filled with a teething 8 month old, who was whining, fussing and crying pretty much every waking moment. He fussed if he was being held and cried his little heart out if I put him down, and I heaven help us all if I dared to leave the room.  L has taken to waking up at 6am lately.  I am NOT a morning person.  If I’m up before 10 I feel like I haven’t gotten enough sleep no matter what time I went to bed the night before.

When A got home I practically begged him to take care of L for a bit.  After seeing me whine back at L I think he understood why I was so desperate for a break.

Since it was hubby’s turn to put L to bed, I volunteered to take a bath with L and once he got out I filled the tub a little deeper with much warmer water and sat back and relaxed.  There was no one whining, fussing, crying or crawling all over me.  There was just the sound of bathroom fan, and it was bliss!  I felt so relaxed afterwards that I made fajitas for A and I.  Ask  A when the last time I cooked was….he probably couldn’t tell you.  A little help in the evening so that my brain can decompress a little bit goes a long way.

I’m not much of a wine drinker, my go to is vodka and cranberry juice.  So I had a few cranberry and vodkas and now I feel down right relaxed and refreshed.  I love my vodka, it makes this parenting thing a little more tolerable after a long day.

 

A step towards normalcy

Last night I decided to conduct an experiment.  You see I’ve always had itty bitty titties, which meant that I didn’t wear a bra unless I was leaving the house or having company over, even then it depended on who the company was.  Ever since I had L I’ve had to wear a bra pretty much 24/7, with nursing pads in it to prevent anything my boobs touch from becoming soaked.

Lately during the day I find that I can go without nursing pads as my boobs have figured this nursing thing and stopped making more than I need, and I noticed when I wake up in the morning the nursing pads aren’t dripping wet anymore.  I hadn’t tried sleeping braless yet as I sleep on my belly/side which means my boobs are being squished all night long, which is all they need to let out a squirt.

Last night I had enough.  I was tired of having my ladies cooped up at night, and they were going to be free at last.  If I had to I would wash the sheets in the morning.  When I got up in the night to pee everything was dry, and I thought that I might be ok, but when I got up in the morning (at the ungodly hour of 6:05am…thanks kid!) I still had dry sheets!  It may seem insignificant, but knowing that I can go to bed braless makes me incredibly happy.  I feel like it’s something that I can take back, and feel like the old me.  I get a part of my body back that having  baby took away.  To celebrate I didn’t wear a bra all day today either!

 

Pregnancy, Motherhood and Depression

When I first started this blog I thought about what kind of blog I wanted this to be.  I knew I wanted to talk about motherhood, but there are so many aspects of motherhood, and so many angles you can take.  I decided that I wanted to have a lighthearted, fun kind of blog.  I never planned on talking about my experience with depression, in fact I specifically planned on not talking about it here.  I’ve been reading many blogs since starting mine,  and Honest Mom really inspired me to share my story with depression and motherhood.  It is not something that I really talk about much with anyone.  My immediate family knows, but no one else does.  My husband and I rarely talk about, usually just a quick update after a doctor’s appointment.  I’ve never really been comfortable sharing this part of my life.
I was first diagnosed with depression during my pregnancy.  Around 17 weeks I was bawling in my Ob Gyn’s because I was not excited about being pregnant, in fact I hated it, and I was worried about postpartum depression.  She didn’t wait for me to get postpartum depression, and immediately referred me to a psychiatrist who specializes in working with pregnant and postpartum women.  I was started on an antidepressant that was safe for pregnancy and put into a weekly group therapy session with other pregnant women who had depression.  By the time I was able to join the group I was nearly 30 weeks pregnant, and by far the furthest along.  The other women were less than 20 weeks in their pregnancy, and we had nothing in common.  Many had complications in their pregnancy, while others had relationship problems which were the driving forces in their depression.

And then there was me, I just hated being pregnant.  I was so far disconnected from the fact that soon a little person would be here, all I could focus on was how miserable I felt, and the negative parts of having a baby (no sleep, no freedom, strain on my relationships etc).  Intellectually I knew there was a baby, and he would be cute and cuddly but emotionally I felt nothing but dread.  I had no connection to the baby.  If I think about it for very long, I start to cry when I think about the things that would come out of my mouth when I was pregnant.  It wasn’t uncommon to hear me say “I hate this baby” or “why do people have such a hard time putting babies up for adoption?  It would be so easy”.  It sounds horrible, and at the time I didn’t really think I had depression, I just thought that I was not the type of person who enjoyed pregnancy.  Looking back it was much more than that.

The second L was born and I got to hold him I instantly fell in love with him, and felt connected to him.  He was my baby, and I loved him more than I ever thought possible, but that was not the end of my struggle with depression.  A few weeks after L came home I had one particularly bad week.  I would have random thoughts of ways I could die or kill myself.  I never had any desire to follow through on these thoughts, but I couldn’t stop them from popping in my head.  After a week it stopped, and I brought it up at my next appointment.  My doctor decided to switch meds, and I haven’t had it happen again, but it scared me at the time.

I’m feeling much better these days, it’s slowly gotten better, but I don’t think I’m there yet.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m lazy, or if my depression is getting the best of me.  I had big plans of going for walks daily, and playing outside with L.  We’ve gone for 2 walks, and have played on a blanket for about 10 minutes twice in our backyard.  Most days the most we go outside is to stand on the front step for a minute or two to check the mail.  I use the fact that we’re a one car family as an excuse for why we never go out, but there’s a bus that stops right outside my door which will take me to the mall, or to a mommy and me group without needing to transfer or anything.  We went to the mommy group once, and the mall maybe 3 times in 8 months.  There’s a park across the street that we haven’t even been to.
When my husband is around I get a little antsy and want to go do something all together, but when it is just me and L I can’t seem to convince myself to go.  I guess this is why I sometimes wonder if it’s laziness or depression.  Even if I have a car at my disposal for some reason going out on my own just seems to overwhelming.
I’ll keep chipping away, and one of these days maybe I’ll feel like my old self.  I know it’s not an overnight thing, and it will take time.

 

Any other moms have any experience with dealing with depression?  Any tip or advice?