Author Archives: Jess

Complicated

Writing my last post was very helpful for me. I got a lot off of my chest that I had bottled up inside for so long. I don’t think that I have cried about it since I wrote that post. This may be due in part that some people have given birth, so I don’t see their happy pregnancies plastered all over my Facebook account everyday.

While I haven’t had a big emotional breakdown in a few weeks, it’s still in the back of my mind on a regular basis. I feel these pangs of sadness whenever I see someone enjoying a pregnancy.

I’m having a big internal struggle lately. I want to experience pregnancy now that I’m in a healthier place mentally, but I don’t want anymore kids. I’m 26 and very well may change my mind at some point. I have a lot of good child bearing years to go, but right now my mind is firmly made up that I do not want any more kids.

(Random tangent approaching) Why is it impossible to people that I love being a mother, and I love L to death, but I don’t want to have any more children. People act as thought I must not love L or motherhood that much, because if I did I would be itching to do it again. I have no desire to do it again, I love L with everything I have, our little family feels whole and complete. I wish people would get off of my back! (Random tangent over)

I considered briefly being a surrogate, and maybe someday I will do that. It seemed like the perfect solution…I get to do the pregnancy thing, but I don’t have to keep the baby at the end. I somehow doubt that it would be a wise decision, with my previous pregnancy still being a raw spot for me and using the surrogacy as a sort of do-over. Someday when I dealt with all my issues, and I’m in better physical shape, it is something I would look at, but not right now.

So right now I feel stuck. There are not any support groups for people who had crappy pregnancies and wish they went better. Knowing that my mind is so firmly made up on not having more kids adds another pressure to it, because there is a good chance it may be my only pregnancy, and my only pregnancy experience. Not only that, what if that is my husband’s only experience. A cranky wife who wished away her pregnancy the whole time? He never could get too excited about it, at east not around me because he didn’t want to make me feel worse.

It’s all so damn complicated.

Mourning my pregnancy

I haven’t written a blog post in over 6 months. I guess I didn’t feel like I had anything that I wanted to say, but now I do. I’m sure there is at least one or two other people who feel the way that I do, and honestly it’s been killing me lately. I tried to look online, and I didn’t really find anything that I could relate to, but maybe someone out there can relate to this.

Whenever I think about my pregnancy with L I cry. I’ve been crying about it for most of this evening, which is part of the reason I’m turning back to my old blog. I need to get this out.

When I was 29 weeks pregnant with L I was diagnosed with depression. It first came up in my OB’s office when I was 18 weeks and I broke down crying worried about postpartum depression. Turns out that was a pretty big clue that there was something going on. The referral got lost, blah blah blah and when I was 29 weeks I finally got in to a psychiatrist who specializes in pre and postpartum depression…and I had it.

Throughout my pregnancy I was very detached from it. It was something that was happening to my body, but not to me. I would have a bigger emotional response to winning a free avocado then to anything pregnancy related. My brain new I was growing a baby, but my heart didn’t. When I found out we were having a boy my response was a very matter of fact “I knew it”. The ultrasounds pictures looked cool, but did not ever spark an emotional response from me.

I was quite sick for the first 20 weeks, then I had a couple good weeks, and then I was ginormous, and L really liked to push against my ribs which hurt. I’m embarrassed to think of how many times I said “I hate this baby” when I was pregnant. The baby inside of me was a life sucking vulture who was ruining my life. I had no connection with him when I was pregnant. When I got to the hospital and the nurses went over my birthing plan (which was “wing it”) I told them I didn’t want to see him until he was cleaned up. Thankfully the nurse knew better and as soon as he was born asked me if I wanted to see him or wait, and through all the tears I said I wanted him…goo and all.

When I look back at my pregnancy I am filled with regret and sadness. At the time I had no idea that there was this adorable wonderful baby boy inside of me that I would love more than anything. There was a wall that went up that kept me from feeling any sort of bond or connection to him until he was finally born. Pregnancy is supposed to be an exciting wonderful time, but it wasn’t for me. I know that the depression was a big part of how I felt, and that by going to the doctor and to counseling I did everything I could to fix it, but it wasn’t enough.

Lately I find myself having pregnancy envy. I see Facebook post after Facebook post about someone finding out the gender of their baby, or feeling the first kicks. Everyone else out there seems to be happy with their pregnancies. Why couldn’t I have been one of the normal people who enjoyed pregnancy? I have no desire to have another child. I love L more than anything, and he is enough for me. I have no desire to go back to sleepless nights, and breast feeding. A and I only ever really talked about having one kid, and with his current work situation, it wouldn’t be an option even if it was something we wanted. What I want is a pregnancy do over. L is 18 months old and this is the first time I really feel like I would be in an emotional place to handle a pregnancy. I want to experience it without the cloud of depression over me. I want to feel a bond with the baby growing inside of me, but at the end of it I want 18 month old L and not another baby.

I’m not really sure how to deal with all this, crying about it is getting old but I’m not sure what else to do. I feel like I’m mourning the pregnancy I wish I had. Knowing that I don’t want anymore kids I know that it’s the only pregnancy experience I will ever have, which also makes me sad. I’m just sad. Very very sad.

Reality T.V.

Last week’s theme Thursday I didn’t have much to say about. I had a pretty standard wedding which was lovely and I love it, but nothing too crazy happened that made for a good story. This weeks topic however is right up my alley!

Reality T.V. is my I watched the highs lows of Lauren Conrad on Laguna Beach, and then on the Hills. I love to watch designers make incredible dresses out of umbrellas in one day. I get a kick out of watching Dance Mom’s fight with Abby when Maddy gets yet another solo, and I can’t stop watching Sister Wives.

My favourite, and most hated show however is the bachelor/bachelorette. It drives my husband batty. I watch every season without fail. I love it…at least in the beginning. There’s the fancy dates, and the drama that happens when you throw 16 people together to compete for the affections of one person. For some reason they are all completely smitten with whoever the Bachelor(ette). No one ever says “you seem like a nice person, but I’m just not sure that we mesh well” and leave. I don’t know if they have the experts at eharmony working for them so that everyone there is a perfet compatible match, but some how, that’s how it seems to work out.

It starts to whittle down, and things start having a more serious tone. There’s more tears than before, and people get a little more competitive, which usually leads to some more drama…LOVE it.

Once you get down to 4-6 people though, the show takes a turn for the worse. By this point everyone is “falling in love”, or can see themselves falling in love with the person. Now let’s look at this objectively…they have been dating for about four weeks, in a non-exclusive relationship. If a chick in the real world told a guy that she had been casually dating for four weeks that she was falling in love, the guy would think she was a psycho. In the land of the Bachelor(ette) this is normal, and even scripted expected.

This my friends is where I lose my shit, I have a hard time believing that any self-respecting person would do this. It drives me especially batty to see women doing this. Then once they get down to three they are all in love, and get whisked into the fantasy suite for a night of shagging. The worst lay gets sent home, and then there are two.

Once they are at two they are head over-heals in love and will be completely devastated if their undying love goes unrequited. But in the end there can only be one. Someone takes a tear filled limo ride home, and wonders how they will ever manage to love again. The chosen one either gets proposed to, or does the proposing and the girl jumps around and says yes.

The filming of the Bachelor(ette) is six weeks. Yup every season someone agrees to marry someone after six week of what can be described as casual dating at best. It’s not won the “success rate” of the show is so low.

Will you accept this rose and check out the other Theme Thursday posts here.

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