Category Archives: Baby L

Mourning my pregnancy

I haven’t written a blog post in over 6 months. I guess I didn’t feel like I had anything that I wanted to say, but now I do. I’m sure there is at least one or two other people who feel the way that I do, and honestly it’s been killing me lately. I tried to look online, and I didn’t really find anything that I could relate to, but maybe someone out there can relate to this.

Whenever I think about my pregnancy with L I cry. I’ve been crying about it for most of this evening, which is part of the reason I’m turning back to my old blog. I need to get this out.

When I was 29 weeks pregnant with L I was diagnosed with depression. It first came up in my OB’s office when I was 18 weeks and I broke down crying worried about postpartum depression. Turns out that was a pretty big clue that there was something going on. The referral got lost, blah blah blah and when I was 29 weeks I finally got in to a psychiatrist who specializes in pre and postpartum depression…and I had it.

Throughout my pregnancy I was very detached from it. It was something that was happening to my body, but not to me. I would have a bigger emotional response to winning a free avocado then to anything pregnancy related. My brain new I was growing a baby, but my heart didn’t. When I found out we were having a boy my response was a very matter of fact “I knew it”. The ultrasounds pictures looked cool, but did not ever spark an emotional response from me.

I was quite sick for the first 20 weeks, then I had a couple good weeks, and then I was ginormous, and L really liked to push against my ribs which hurt. I’m embarrassed to think of how many times I said “I hate this baby” when I was pregnant. The baby inside of me was a life sucking vulture who was ruining my life. I had no connection with him when I was pregnant. When I got to the hospital and the nurses went over my birthing plan (which was “wing it”) I told them I didn’t want to see him until he was cleaned up. Thankfully the nurse knew better and as soon as he was born asked me if I wanted to see him or wait, and through all the tears I said I wanted him…goo and all.

When I look back at my pregnancy I am filled with regret and sadness. At the time I had no idea that there was this adorable wonderful baby boy inside of me that I would love more than anything. There was a wall that went up that kept me from feeling any sort of bond or connection to him until he was finally born. Pregnancy is supposed to be an exciting wonderful time, but it wasn’t for me. I know that the depression was a big part of how I felt, and that by going to the doctor and to counseling I did everything I could to fix it, but it wasn’t enough.

Lately I find myself having pregnancy envy. I see Facebook post after Facebook post about someone finding out the gender of their baby, or feeling the first kicks. Everyone else out there seems to be happy with their pregnancies. Why couldn’t I have been one of the normal people who enjoyed pregnancy? I have no desire to have another child. I love L more than anything, and he is enough for me. I have no desire to go back to sleepless nights, and breast feeding. A and I only ever really talked about having one kid, and with his current work situation, it wouldn’t be an option even if it was something we wanted. What I want is a pregnancy do over. L is 18 months old and this is the first time I really feel like I would be in an emotional place to handle a pregnancy. I want to experience it without the cloud of depression over me. I want to feel a bond with the baby growing inside of me, but at the end of it I want 18 month old L and not another baby.

I’m not really sure how to deal with all this, crying about it is getting old but I’m not sure what else to do. I feel like I’m mourning the pregnancy I wish I had. Knowing that I don’t want anymore kids I know that it’s the only pregnancy experience I will ever have, which also makes me sad. I’m just sad. Very very sad.

I’ve been infected

I am sick. I have a trifecta of illnesses going on here. First there is the lovely sinus infection that has me all clogged up, then there’s the bronchitis which has me coughing up a lung every few minutes, and then there’s my voice, or rather lack of voice. I have been battling this bug for a week and a half now, but I finally started antibiotics today.

It’s a Christmas miracle that L hasn’t caught whatever this bug is from me. Not so much as a sniffle, but my sick self is quite disruptive to him at times. No less than 4 separate times today had he just fallen asleep when I have a violent coughing attack, turning what would have been a 15 minute nap time routine, into an event that took well over an hour. Once my non-hacking spouse took over sleep duties L was off to lalaland in under 5 minutes.

Now one would think that said non-coughing, unsnotty spouse would realize that I am very very sick, and offer to take over the sleep routines, especially after the first time it happened, but no. In fact just a moment ago he asked if I would get up with L if he woke up at night. L generally sleeps through the night, but my answer was hell no!

So, what are the chances that L will somehow avoid my trifecta of illness? And Lord help me if A gets this, it would be worse than a man cold!

Last week of maternity leave

This is my last week of maternity leave, I go back to work on Saturday. I feel like I should have a plan of some sort, but I don’t. Wednesday we’ll go to playgroup like always, Thursday is his weekly swimming lesson, but we have nothing exciting planned for this week.

I picked a bad day to go back to work on. Most days I work 8:30-1:30, which is perfect,
I get to see him for a bit before I go to work, he takes a two hour nap during that time, and then I get to see him most of the afternoon and evening. I can still go to doctors appointments with him, I have every Wednesday and Thursday off so we can still do play group and swimming lessons. I couldn’t ask for a better schedule during the week. But every second weekend I work 8am-8pm Saturday and Sunday. I might see him for a second in the morning, if he’s awake before I leave, and he’ll be in bed when I get home. Basically I won’t see him all weekend, every second weekend.

I got to pick which day I came back, my boss didn’t care and was very flexible. The staff schedule we were looking at was off by a day, so when I signed up for December 1st, we thought it was a Sunday, it was not. I could have changed it, but I was already home and back in yoga pants, and changing it would involve driving back to work, to re-sign papers.

So I’m jumping back into this work thing with both feet. No easing into it with some small easy shifts, nope we’re going for the big guns. Seeing as my husband was unexpectedly laid off, and we spent a gillion dollars today on Christmas presents and back to work clothes, I’ll probably be picking up some extra shifts for a while.

I’ve only ever been a stay at home mom. He spends the night a couple times a month at my parent’s house so we can have date night, but I’m with L the vast majority of the time. I don’t know how to be a working mom. I don’t know how to balance it. How do I make time for myself, for L, for A, for household stuff, the rest of my family etc. I’m nervous about making the transition back to work. I know my job like the back of my hand, and I know L like the back of my hand, but the two of them together is completely foreign to me.

Here’s hoping I can figure it out.