I haven’t written a blog post in over 6 months. I guess I didn’t feel like I had anything that I wanted to say, but now I do. I’m sure there is at least one or two other people who feel the way that I do, and honestly it’s been killing me lately. I tried to look online, and I didn’t really find anything that I could relate to, but maybe someone out there can relate to this.
Whenever I think about my pregnancy with L I cry. I’ve been crying about it for most of this evening, which is part of the reason I’m turning back to my old blog. I need to get this out.
When I was 29 weeks pregnant with L I was diagnosed with depression. It first came up in my OB’s office when I was 18 weeks and I broke down crying worried about postpartum depression. Turns out that was a pretty big clue that there was something going on. The referral got lost, blah blah blah and when I was 29 weeks I finally got in to a psychiatrist who specializes in pre and postpartum depression…and I had it.
Throughout my pregnancy I was very detached from it. It was something that was happening to my body, but not to me. I would have a bigger emotional response to winning a free avocado then to anything pregnancy related. My brain new I was growing a baby, but my heart didn’t. When I found out we were having a boy my response was a very matter of fact “I knew it”. The ultrasounds pictures looked cool, but did not ever spark an emotional response from me.
I was quite sick for the first 20 weeks, then I had a couple good weeks, and then I was ginormous, and L really liked to push against my ribs which hurt. I’m embarrassed to think of how many times I said “I hate this baby” when I was pregnant. The baby inside of me was a life sucking vulture who was ruining my life. I had no connection with him when I was pregnant. When I got to the hospital and the nurses went over my birthing plan (which was “wing it”) I told them I didn’t want to see him until he was cleaned up. Thankfully the nurse knew better and as soon as he was born asked me if I wanted to see him or wait, and through all the tears I said I wanted him…goo and all.
When I look back at my pregnancy I am filled with regret and sadness. At the time I had no idea that there was this adorable wonderful baby boy inside of me that I would love more than anything. There was a wall that went up that kept me from feeling any sort of bond or connection to him until he was finally born. Pregnancy is supposed to be an exciting wonderful time, but it wasn’t for me. I know that the depression was a big part of how I felt, and that by going to the doctor and to counseling I did everything I could to fix it, but it wasn’t enough.
Lately I find myself having pregnancy envy. I see Facebook post after Facebook post about someone finding out the gender of their baby, or feeling the first kicks. Everyone else out there seems to be happy with their pregnancies. Why couldn’t I have been one of the normal people who enjoyed pregnancy? I have no desire to have another child. I love L more than anything, and he is enough for me. I have no desire to go back to sleepless nights, and breast feeding. A and I only ever really talked about having one kid, and with his current work situation, it wouldn’t be an option even if it was something we wanted. What I want is a pregnancy do over. L is 18 months old and this is the first time I really feel like I would be in an emotional place to handle a pregnancy. I want to experience it without the cloud of depression over me. I want to feel a bond with the baby growing inside of me, but at the end of it I want 18 month old L and not another baby.
I’m not really sure how to deal with all this, crying about it is getting old but I’m not sure what else to do. I feel like I’m mourning the pregnancy I wish I had. Knowing that I don’t want anymore kids I know that it’s the only pregnancy experience I will ever have, which also makes me sad. I’m just sad. Very very sad.