Writing my last post was very helpful for me. I got a lot off of my chest that I had bottled up inside for so long. I don’t think that I have cried about it since I wrote that post. This may be due in part that some people have given birth, so I don’t see their happy pregnancies plastered all over my Facebook account everyday.
While I haven’t had a big emotional breakdown in a few weeks, it’s still in the back of my mind on a regular basis. I feel these pangs of sadness whenever I see someone enjoying a pregnancy.
I’m having a big internal struggle lately. I want to experience pregnancy now that I’m in a healthier place mentally, but I don’t want anymore kids. I’m 26 and very well may change my mind at some point. I have a lot of good child bearing years to go, but right now my mind is firmly made up that I do not want any more kids.
(Random tangent approaching) Why is it impossible to people that I love being a mother, and I love L to death, but I don’t want to have any more children. People act as thought I must not love L or motherhood that much, because if I did I would be itching to do it again. I have no desire to do it again, I love L with everything I have, our little family feels whole and complete. I wish people would get off of my back! (Random tangent over)
I considered briefly being a surrogate, and maybe someday I will do that. It seemed like the perfect solution…I get to do the pregnancy thing, but I don’t have to keep the baby at the end. I somehow doubt that it would be a wise decision, with my previous pregnancy still being a raw spot for me and using the surrogacy as a sort of do-over. Someday when I dealt with all my issues, and I’m in better physical shape, it is something I would look at, but not right now.
So right now I feel stuck. There are not any support groups for people who had crappy pregnancies and wish they went better. Knowing that my mind is so firmly made up on not having more kids adds another pressure to it, because there is a good chance it may be my only pregnancy, and my only pregnancy experience. Not only that, what if that is my husband’s only experience. A cranky wife who wished away her pregnancy the whole time? He never could get too excited about it, at east not around me because he didn’t want to make me feel worse.
It’s all so damn complicated.