Category Archives: PPD

Complicated

Writing my last post was very helpful for me. I got a lot off of my chest that I had bottled up inside for so long. I don’t think that I have cried about it since I wrote that post. This may be due in part that some people have given birth, so I don’t see their happy pregnancies plastered all over my Facebook account everyday.

While I haven’t had a big emotional breakdown in a few weeks, it’s still in the back of my mind on a regular basis. I feel these pangs of sadness whenever I see someone enjoying a pregnancy.

I’m having a big internal struggle lately. I want to experience pregnancy now that I’m in a healthier place mentally, but I don’t want anymore kids. I’m 26 and very well may change my mind at some point. I have a lot of good child bearing years to go, but right now my mind is firmly made up that I do not want any more kids.

(Random tangent approaching) Why is it impossible to people that I love being a mother, and I love L to death, but I don’t want to have any more children. People act as thought I must not love L or motherhood that much, because if I did I would be itching to do it again. I have no desire to do it again, I love L with everything I have, our little family feels whole and complete. I wish people would get off of my back! (Random tangent over)

I considered briefly being a surrogate, and maybe someday I will do that. It seemed like the perfect solution…I get to do the pregnancy thing, but I don’t have to keep the baby at the end. I somehow doubt that it would be a wise decision, with my previous pregnancy still being a raw spot for me and using the surrogacy as a sort of do-over. Someday when I dealt with all my issues, and I’m in better physical shape, it is something I would look at, but not right now.

So right now I feel stuck. There are not any support groups for people who had crappy pregnancies and wish they went better. Knowing that my mind is so firmly made up on not having more kids adds another pressure to it, because there is a good chance it may be my only pregnancy, and my only pregnancy experience. Not only that, what if that is my husband’s only experience. A cranky wife who wished away her pregnancy the whole time? He never could get too excited about it, at east not around me because he didn’t want to make me feel worse.

It’s all so damn complicated.

Admitting Defeat

About a month ago I wrote a post where I wondered if I really had depression, and I didn’t know what to tell my doctor at my upcoming appointment (you can read about that here). My psychiatrist has maintained that I do in fact have depression. I know that a few months ago I definitely did, but lately I felt more like maybe I’m just naturally a more gloomy person rather than having depression.

At my last appointment we discussed all this, and she asked her own questions and decided to add another med. Having just talked about how I didn’t think I really had depression, I wasn’t too keen on the idea. It was a one month trial, so if it didn’t do anything as I expected it to do, it wasn’t a big deal. Well I hate to admit it, but the psychiatrist knows her stuff. She was right.

One of the questions I always get asked at these appointments is about hobbies. Do I have any, what is my level of interest in hobbies etc. I always answered that I didn’t really have any, wasn’t really wanting any, and didn’t feel like I was missing out. One of the other main questions I get asked is how often do I get out of the house, or do something social. Other than running errands I didn’t usually get out, and never to anything social.

Well a couple weeks after starting the new med I had energy I haven’t had in a very long time. I got inspired from Pinterest and now I have several projects on the go. Before I just couldn’t be bothered, or it wasn’t worth the effort. Not only have I gotten crafty, I’m trying to teach myself to knit, with limited success. I’ve gone to a playgroup the past couple weeks, we missed one week but L was not feeling good that week or we would have gone. It seems insignificant, but it’s a big change. My husband has noticed the difference, and likes that I suddenly have hobbies.

As much as I hate to admit it, the doctor was right. The meds work, I feel the best I’ve felt for a long time and I do have depression…and I like knitting.

Play Group

Today I dragged my ass out to a play group. I went once before when L was a couple of months old. I had to take the bus, I was hot, and L slept the whole time. I was uncomfortable, and miserable and haven’t been back. At my last check-up for my PPD my doctor insisted that I get out of my house and do something social. Since A is laid off, that means I have the car, and little excuse not to go.

I have to say I had a great time, and so did L. There were only 3 babies there who were crawling so we gravitated towards one another as we tried to keep our mobile tots off of the rest of the younger babies who were laying on the ground doing tummy time. Man..tummy time! It was like a blast from the past. It really made me realize how far L has come in the last few months.

It was really great to socialize with someone who wasn’t my husband or my mother. As much as I love them, I really need to broaden my social circle. It felt awesome to talk to people, adult people who can talk back. It was fun to watch L interact with the other babies, to be honest it was pretty darn cute. I will be making this a part of our new routine.

As fun as it was, why oh why do people feel the need to drag their sick kids out to these things? I get the need to get out of the house, but for one week stay home. Your kid is miserable, and the rest of us don’t want our kids to catch whatever you are spreading. There are enough germs in the world, we don’t need you bringing them to a place where everything goes into everyone’s mouth. I would think this is common sense, but it seems it is not.

 

Just stay home!

 

 

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