Tag Archives: Depression

Mourning my pregnancy

I haven’t written a blog post in over 6 months. I guess I didn’t feel like I had anything that I wanted to say, but now I do. I’m sure there is at least one or two other people who feel the way that I do, and honestly it’s been killing me lately. I tried to look online, and I didn’t really find anything that I could relate to, but maybe someone out there can relate to this.

Whenever I think about my pregnancy with L I cry. I’ve been crying about it for most of this evening, which is part of the reason I’m turning back to my old blog. I need to get this out.

When I was 29 weeks pregnant with L I was diagnosed with depression. It first came up in my OB’s office when I was 18 weeks and I broke down crying worried about postpartum depression. Turns out that was a pretty big clue that there was something going on. The referral got lost, blah blah blah and when I was 29 weeks I finally got in to a psychiatrist who specializes in pre and postpartum depression…and I had it.

Throughout my pregnancy I was very detached from it. It was something that was happening to my body, but not to me. I would have a bigger emotional response to winning a free avocado then to anything pregnancy related. My brain new I was growing a baby, but my heart didn’t. When I found out we were having a boy my response was a very matter of fact “I knew it”. The ultrasounds pictures looked cool, but did not ever spark an emotional response from me.

I was quite sick for the first 20 weeks, then I had a couple good weeks, and then I was ginormous, and L really liked to push against my ribs which hurt. I’m embarrassed to think of how many times I said “I hate this baby” when I was pregnant. The baby inside of me was a life sucking vulture who was ruining my life. I had no connection with him when I was pregnant. When I got to the hospital and the nurses went over my birthing plan (which was “wing it”) I told them I didn’t want to see him until he was cleaned up. Thankfully the nurse knew better and as soon as he was born asked me if I wanted to see him or wait, and through all the tears I said I wanted him…goo and all.

When I look back at my pregnancy I am filled with regret and sadness. At the time I had no idea that there was this adorable wonderful baby boy inside of me that I would love more than anything. There was a wall that went up that kept me from feeling any sort of bond or connection to him until he was finally born. Pregnancy is supposed to be an exciting wonderful time, but it wasn’t for me. I know that the depression was a big part of how I felt, and that by going to the doctor and to counseling I did everything I could to fix it, but it wasn’t enough.

Lately I find myself having pregnancy envy. I see Facebook post after Facebook post about someone finding out the gender of their baby, or feeling the first kicks. Everyone else out there seems to be happy with their pregnancies. Why couldn’t I have been one of the normal people who enjoyed pregnancy? I have no desire to have another child. I love L more than anything, and he is enough for me. I have no desire to go back to sleepless nights, and breast feeding. A and I only ever really talked about having one kid, and with his current work situation, it wouldn’t be an option even if it was something we wanted. What I want is a pregnancy do over. L is 18 months old and this is the first time I really feel like I would be in an emotional place to handle a pregnancy. I want to experience it without the cloud of depression over me. I want to feel a bond with the baby growing inside of me, but at the end of it I want 18 month old L and not another baby.

I’m not really sure how to deal with all this, crying about it is getting old but I’m not sure what else to do. I feel like I’m mourning the pregnancy I wish I had. Knowing that I don’t want anymore kids I know that it’s the only pregnancy experience I will ever have, which also makes me sad. I’m just sad. Very very sad.

Admitting Defeat

About a month ago I wrote a post where I wondered if I really had depression, and I didn’t know what to tell my doctor at my upcoming appointment (you can read about that here). My psychiatrist has maintained that I do in fact have depression. I know that a few months ago I definitely did, but lately I felt more like maybe I’m just naturally a more gloomy person rather than having depression.

At my last appointment we discussed all this, and she asked her own questions and decided to add another med. Having just talked about how I didn’t think I really had depression, I wasn’t too keen on the idea. It was a one month trial, so if it didn’t do anything as I expected it to do, it wasn’t a big deal. Well I hate to admit it, but the psychiatrist knows her stuff. She was right.

One of the questions I always get asked at these appointments is about hobbies. Do I have any, what is my level of interest in hobbies etc. I always answered that I didn’t really have any, wasn’t really wanting any, and didn’t feel like I was missing out. One of the other main questions I get asked is how often do I get out of the house, or do something social. Other than running errands I didn’t usually get out, and never to anything social.

Well a couple weeks after starting the new med I had energy I haven’t had in a very long time. I got inspired from Pinterest and now I have several projects on the go. Before I just couldn’t be bothered, or it wasn’t worth the effort. Not only have I gotten crafty, I’m trying to teach myself to knit, with limited success. I’ve gone to a playgroup the past couple weeks, we missed one week but L was not feeling good that week or we would have gone. It seems insignificant, but it’s a big change. My husband has noticed the difference, and likes that I suddenly have hobbies.

As much as I hate to admit it, the doctor was right. The meds work, I feel the best I’ve felt for a long time and I do have depression…and I like knitting.

Things I wish I knew before I became a parent

I’m super excited, this is my first Theme Thursday post! I’ve been following along some of the other blog who do Theme Thursdays and I was honoured to be invited to take part. This week’s topic is “Things I wish I knew before I became a parent”. I’ve been thinking about this all week, and thought about taking the “easy way out” so to speak, and writing about the first poop, or sleep deprivation. Instead I decided to write about something a little more personal. It’s something I’m kind of ashamed of, and I like to pretend didn’t happen. I probably won’t be able to get through the post without a few tears.

The most important thing I wish I knew before I became a parent is just how much I would love L,and love being a mom. I had a rough pregnancy physically and emotionally. There was 20+ weeks of constant vomiting, which at one point lead to a trip to the ER for dehydration. Then there was the normal pains when your body is stretched and pulled a million different ways as it grows at an alarming rate. My hips felt like there being pulled apart, my back and feet hurt from standing all day and there was million trips to the bathroom. I was transferred from a job I loved to a job I hated for safety reasons, which made me miserable. I yearned for my old job.

During my pregnancy I thought I was missing the mom gene. I knew something was off, I should have been excited on some level; even the kids on Teen Mom could muster more excitement than I could, what did that say about what kind of mother I would be? I hated when people would ask me when I was due, and I hated faking excitement about it when I talked to strangers. I felt so fake whenever I would have to talk about whether I was having a boy or a girl and how I felt about it. I felt so disconnected from my pregnancy, my head knew I was pregnant, but my emotions didn’t. I was filled with dread, and resented the growing thing inside of my body that was taking over my life.

I knew all the negatives having a baby would bring; the lack of sleep, never leaving the house, strain on finances etc. and that’s all I could see. A baby would change my marriage, but I liked my marriage the way it was. I liked deciding at the last minute to go to a late night movie, a baby would just cramp my style. To me having a baby was just a black pit of doom.

I had an excellent OB who was able to spot it and help me get appropriate treatment, and I’m incredibly thankful for that. She spotted that something was off and referred me to an awesome psychiatrist who works with women who are pregnant and postpartum. She started me on some meds and a group therapy with other pregnant women who had depression.

I feel horribly guilty about the things I said and felt during that time. My husband was never really able to get too excited about the pregnancy because I was such a downer the whole time. A part of me knows that I wasn’t really myself and that it was the depression talking, but I look at L and wonder how I could have ever thought those things. It makes me cry whenever I think about it, because now that he’s here he’s so awesome and I love him so much, I can’t imagine life without him. It’s hard to imagine that there was a time when I dreaded his arrival. I wish I had known just how awesome being a mom is, and how much I would love it.

To see more about Theme Thursday click here