I’m super excited, this is my first Theme Thursday post! I’ve been following along some of the other blog who do Theme Thursdays and I was honoured to be invited to take part. This week’s topic is “Things I wish I knew before I became a parent”. I’ve been thinking about this all week, and thought about taking the “easy way out” so to speak, and writing about the first poop, or sleep deprivation. Instead I decided to write about something a little more personal. It’s something I’m kind of ashamed of, and I like to pretend didn’t happen. I probably won’t be able to get through the post without a few tears.
The most important thing I wish I knew before I became a parent is just how much I would love L,and love being a mom. I had a rough pregnancy physically and emotionally. There was 20+ weeks of constant vomiting, which at one point lead to a trip to the ER for dehydration. Then there was the normal pains when your body is stretched and pulled a million different ways as it grows at an alarming rate. My hips felt like there being pulled apart, my back and feet hurt from standing all day and there was million trips to the bathroom. I was transferred from a job I loved to a job I hated for safety reasons, which made me miserable. I yearned for my old job.
During my pregnancy I thought I was missing the mom gene. I knew something was off, I should have been excited on some level; even the kids on Teen Mom could muster more excitement than I could, what did that say about what kind of mother I would be? I hated when people would ask me when I was due, and I hated faking excitement about it when I talked to strangers. I felt so fake whenever I would have to talk about whether I was having a boy or a girl and how I felt about it. I felt so disconnected from my pregnancy, my head knew I was pregnant, but my emotions didn’t. I was filled with dread, and resented the growing thing inside of my body that was taking over my life.
I knew all the negatives having a baby would bring; the lack of sleep, never leaving the house, strain on finances etc. and that’s all I could see. A baby would change my marriage, but I liked my marriage the way it was. I liked deciding at the last minute to go to a late night movie, a baby would just cramp my style. To me having a baby was just a black pit of doom.
I had an excellent OB who was able to spot it and help me get appropriate treatment, and I’m incredibly thankful for that. She spotted that something was off and referred me to an awesome psychiatrist who works with women who are pregnant and postpartum. She started me on some meds and a group therapy with other pregnant women who had depression.
I feel horribly guilty about the things I said and felt during that time. My husband was never really able to get too excited about the pregnancy because I was such a downer the whole time. A part of me knows that I wasn’t really myself and that it was the depression talking, but I look at L and wonder how I could have ever thought those things. It makes me cry whenever I think about it, because now that he’s here he’s so awesome and I love him so much, I can’t imagine life without him. It’s hard to imagine that there was a time when I dreaded his arrival. I wish I had known just how awesome being a mom is, and how much I would love it.
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