Tag Archives: pregnancy

Things I wish I knew before I became a parent

I’m super excited, this is my first Theme Thursday post! I’ve been following along some of the other blog who do Theme Thursdays and I was honoured to be invited to take part. This week’s topic is “Things I wish I knew before I became a parent”. I’ve been thinking about this all week, and thought about taking the “easy way out” so to speak, and writing about the first poop, or sleep deprivation. Instead I decided to write about something a little more personal. It’s something I’m kind of ashamed of, and I like to pretend didn’t happen. I probably won’t be able to get through the post without a few tears.

The most important thing I wish I knew before I became a parent is just how much I would love L,and love being a mom. I had a rough pregnancy physically and emotionally. There was 20+ weeks of constant vomiting, which at one point lead to a trip to the ER for dehydration. Then there was the normal pains when your body is stretched and pulled a million different ways as it grows at an alarming rate. My hips felt like there being pulled apart, my back and feet hurt from standing all day and there was million trips to the bathroom. I was transferred from a job I loved to a job I hated for safety reasons, which made me miserable. I yearned for my old job.

During my pregnancy I thought I was missing the mom gene. I knew something was off, I should have been excited on some level; even the kids on Teen Mom could muster more excitement than I could, what did that say about what kind of mother I would be? I hated when people would ask me when I was due, and I hated faking excitement about it when I talked to strangers. I felt so fake whenever I would have to talk about whether I was having a boy or a girl and how I felt about it. I felt so disconnected from my pregnancy, my head knew I was pregnant, but my emotions didn’t. I was filled with dread, and resented the growing thing inside of my body that was taking over my life.

I knew all the negatives having a baby would bring; the lack of sleep, never leaving the house, strain on finances etc. and that’s all I could see. A baby would change my marriage, but I liked my marriage the way it was. I liked deciding at the last minute to go to a late night movie, a baby would just cramp my style. To me having a baby was just a black pit of doom.

I had an excellent OB who was able to spot it and help me get appropriate treatment, and I’m incredibly thankful for that. She spotted that something was off and referred me to an awesome psychiatrist who works with women who are pregnant and postpartum. She started me on some meds and a group therapy with other pregnant women who had depression.

I feel horribly guilty about the things I said and felt during that time. My husband was never really able to get too excited about the pregnancy because I was such a downer the whole time. A part of me knows that I wasn’t really myself and that it was the depression talking, but I look at L and wonder how I could have ever thought those things. It makes me cry whenever I think about it, because now that he’s here he’s so awesome and I love him so much, I can’t imagine life without him. It’s hard to imagine that there was a time when I dreaded his arrival. I wish I had known just how awesome being a mom is, and how much I would love it.

To see more about Theme Thursday click here

Pregnancy, Motherhood and Depression

When I first started this blog I thought about what kind of blog I wanted this to be.  I knew I wanted to talk about motherhood, but there are so many aspects of motherhood, and so many angles you can take.  I decided that I wanted to have a lighthearted, fun kind of blog.  I never planned on talking about my experience with depression, in fact I specifically planned on not talking about it here.  I’ve been reading many blogs since starting mine,  and Honest Mom really inspired me to share my story with depression and motherhood.  It is not something that I really talk about much with anyone.  My immediate family knows, but no one else does.  My husband and I rarely talk about, usually just a quick update after a doctor’s appointment.  I’ve never really been comfortable sharing this part of my life.
I was first diagnosed with depression during my pregnancy.  Around 17 weeks I was bawling in my Ob Gyn’s because I was not excited about being pregnant, in fact I hated it, and I was worried about postpartum depression.  She didn’t wait for me to get postpartum depression, and immediately referred me to a psychiatrist who specializes in working with pregnant and postpartum women.  I was started on an antidepressant that was safe for pregnancy and put into a weekly group therapy session with other pregnant women who had depression.  By the time I was able to join the group I was nearly 30 weeks pregnant, and by far the furthest along.  The other women were less than 20 weeks in their pregnancy, and we had nothing in common.  Many had complications in their pregnancy, while others had relationship problems which were the driving forces in their depression.

And then there was me, I just hated being pregnant.  I was so far disconnected from the fact that soon a little person would be here, all I could focus on was how miserable I felt, and the negative parts of having a baby (no sleep, no freedom, strain on my relationships etc).  Intellectually I knew there was a baby, and he would be cute and cuddly but emotionally I felt nothing but dread.  I had no connection to the baby.  If I think about it for very long, I start to cry when I think about the things that would come out of my mouth when I was pregnant.  It wasn’t uncommon to hear me say “I hate this baby” or “why do people have such a hard time putting babies up for adoption?  It would be so easy”.  It sounds horrible, and at the time I didn’t really think I had depression, I just thought that I was not the type of person who enjoyed pregnancy.  Looking back it was much more than that.

The second L was born and I got to hold him I instantly fell in love with him, and felt connected to him.  He was my baby, and I loved him more than I ever thought possible, but that was not the end of my struggle with depression.  A few weeks after L came home I had one particularly bad week.  I would have random thoughts of ways I could die or kill myself.  I never had any desire to follow through on these thoughts, but I couldn’t stop them from popping in my head.  After a week it stopped, and I brought it up at my next appointment.  My doctor decided to switch meds, and I haven’t had it happen again, but it scared me at the time.

I’m feeling much better these days, it’s slowly gotten better, but I don’t think I’m there yet.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m lazy, or if my depression is getting the best of me.  I had big plans of going for walks daily, and playing outside with L.  We’ve gone for 2 walks, and have played on a blanket for about 10 minutes twice in our backyard.  Most days the most we go outside is to stand on the front step for a minute or two to check the mail.  I use the fact that we’re a one car family as an excuse for why we never go out, but there’s a bus that stops right outside my door which will take me to the mall, or to a mommy and me group without needing to transfer or anything.  We went to the mommy group once, and the mall maybe 3 times in 8 months.  There’s a park across the street that we haven’t even been to.
When my husband is around I get a little antsy and want to go do something all together, but when it is just me and L I can’t seem to convince myself to go.  I guess this is why I sometimes wonder if it’s laziness or depression.  Even if I have a car at my disposal for some reason going out on my own just seems to overwhelming.
I’ll keep chipping away, and one of these days maybe I’ll feel like my old self.  I know it’s not an overnight thing, and it will take time.

 

Any other moms have any experience with dealing with depression?  Any tip or advice?

Nosy Nellies

There’s nothing like a pregnancy to bring the nosiness out in people.  The minute you start showing the questions start: “Where are you delivering?”, “Are you getting an epidural?”, “Do you plan on breastfeeding?”, “How many time have you thrown up so far?”, and many (many, many) more.  Some people love the attention, I however wanted to tell people to eff off.  Chances are I threw up before I left the house, peed my pants a little getting out of my car and just got headbutted in the ribs by my little “angel”.  Needless to say that I didn’t want my checkout to take any longer because the cashier wanted to convince me to breastfeed, or tell me about how their sister, friend, co-worker, third cousin’s girlfriend etc. went natural and I should totally reconsider the epidural.  I want my spaghetti and cayenne pepper and I want to get home.

Now that he’s born people are still nosy but the questions have changed.  “Are you breastfeeding?”, “How long are you breastfeeding for?”, “Did you poop when you delivered?” etc.  I have been very fortunate to have a laid-back, easy going baby who is very much a flirt.  People always ask me “Is he always this good/happy?”, and I happily answer that yes, he is always this awesome.  This always leads to the next question, “Doesn’t it just make you want to have more?”  People always look surprised, and a little offended when I emphatically say “NO!”

Apparently having only one child is not an option, as everyone who has ever asked me this has kindly let me know.  I would be doing L and myself a great disservice (at this point I’m biting my tongue so hard I’m starting to taste blood).  Frankly I’m 25 years old, I know that I am young and still have a lot of good child bearing years left.  In 5 years I may feel differently or I may feel exactly the same way, but for now I’m happy with our little family.  It feels complete, and I do not have the desire to have anymore.  My experience with my water breaking was enough alone to make me never want to be pregnant again.

How did you deal with nosy nellies?  Did the nellies bother you, or did you like the attention?